We each have our understanding or interpretation of the meaning of the phrase – Internalized Homophobia. To some of us it means a straight person who has a deep hatred of anything and everything that has to do with homosexuality. For some it means the deep inner feelings of self loathing that a homosexual has towards themselves. In most cases people immediately think of some kind of fear and or loathing regarding the gay community.
While this may be true, Internalized Homophobia does not always manifest itself in obvious ways. During a discussion on the subject of Internalized Homophobia in one of the Recovery Groups that I facilitated, one of the members of the group declared that they did not have internalized homophobia, that they were proud to be gay, and they held no deep seated hatred of their sexuality. When I asked the group member to tell me more about that, to tell me what there feelings toward being gay are, and how do they act upon those feelings, I got an ear full.
When I was in high school, I was very out about my sexuality. I did not care who knew I was gay, I wanted to make sure that everyone knew, and if I made anyone uncomfortable, then that was there issue not mine.
I paused, smiled, and explained that all of our feelings are internal. Every image every thought, every feeling that we have all come from inside of our selves, thus the word Internal.
Sure, the group member said, but what about being homophobic, I am not afraid, or hateful towards myself for being gay. “Then why did you feel the need to announce your sexuality to everyone around you, whether they were comfortable with it or not?”
“We have spent all of our lives having to hide ourselves! Why shouldn’t we be able to make people uncomfortable the way they made us uncomfortable?”
“I thought you told me, you were proud to be gay, how can something that you are proud of make you uncomfortable?”
The group member hesitated, unsure of how to answer.
The actually manifestations of Internalized Homophobia show up in many forms and many ways, many social masks and identities. It may indeed show up in the simplistic form of “I hate all fags!” It may show up in the form of a member of the GBLTQ community trying desperately to hide their sexuality through the façade of a straight marriage, it may show up in the form of a gay youth committing suicide because they can’t face having to deal with being different, or loosing the love and respect of their peers, and family. It may even show up in the form of a member of the GBLTQ community becoming very aggressive and in your face about who they are. All of these identities spring from feelings we have about who we are, and the feelings about who we are all had their origins in our upbringing, or as Don Migual Ruiz; author of the Four Agreements; puts it, our domestication. I simply put it under the heading of internalized homophobia.
I want you to think, for just a moment, about your social mask, about your gay identity. Are you out to friends, to family, at work? Do you proudly proclaim your sexuality, do participate in Gay Pride Rallies, or do you keep quiet, and keep yourself in the closet, unwilling or afraid to let your friends and family know who you really are? Are either of these approaches wrong, or are they simply ways of dealing with a very tough reality in our society?
Recently, through such movies as The Secret, people have been told that we create the circumstances of our lives, based upon the images and thoughts that we have in our heads. Given that this is true, I want you to think about it means to be a member of the GLBTQ community? What are the images you have of yourself and of other members of your community?
Do you think of fabulous parties, gay night clubs, gay pride parades, rainbow flags, pink triangles, proposition 8, don’t ask don’t tell, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? What images come to mind when you think of the GBLTQ community and your place in it. What was your first and earliest memory of what it meant to be gay?
I can tell you for myself that my first memory of what it meant to be gay, came from a James Bond film that I saw when I was about eight years old. I was conscious of all of the implications, but I do recall that there were two guys skipping hand and hand through a desert terrain, laughing and happy after they had just blown up a jet causes it to crash in, killing many innocent passengers. Without knowing why, that memory haunted me for many years. I was given an image, I was socialized, or domesticated to think and feel about homosexuals, about myself, as someone who would be happy about killing and destruction. Not the most appropriate thing to begin to believe about myself. As I grew up I was given more messages about who I was as a gay man. I was to shunned, I was to be the butt of locker room jokes, my life was to be defined by the fact that I was and am attracted to other males. My own internalized homophobia was festering and seething with self loathing. How I would deal with that self loathing was going to be as unique and individual as everyone else in my community. Sometimes the manifestation, the identity would take on very familiar patterns, many similarities with my GBLTQ family members, and thus was born the GBLTQ community.
What is your social mask, your social identity? Where do you fit into your community?
Where Does Your Pride Come From Part II